As a student, I never thought clearing an interview would be difficult. After ten rejections though, life has shown me just how tough it can be. Being a writer, I’ve always been proud of the string of words at my disposal. They’re not only my friends, they’re the roots of that writer in me. And yet, sitting in that room, words have always left my side. Even the simple questions like, “Introduce yourself,” make me fumble. Every time I come out of that room, I know what answer awaits me. Even before I reach home, I can see the transition on my parent’s faces. They start being hopeful, then a sudden sadness, and even before I could memorize that sullen look, it changes once again. Their words try to assure me, but the fear is evident in their eyes. The fear of future.
I’ve read many quotes, written some as well, on how one should always live in the present. Trust me, those things sound good only in the quotes. In the real world, you cannot live without the past to haunt you or the future to worry you. Worry might seem like a modest word in the beginning, but when it transforms into a fear, it starts to play with your mind. The same way its been playing with mine.
The first couple of rejections didn’t really affect much. Everyone fails some time or the other. So there was no reason to stress it out. However, it was after the fifth or the sixth one when it really started to hurt.
I’ve always enjoyed the time around midnight. I don’t know if it’s the moon, the stars, or just the silence around, but that atmosphere always makes me think. The poet in me loves that time to create his midnight musings. Since the last week though, I haven’t met that poet in me. Only one thought governs my midnight. The thought of my future!
Somehow, the bad thoughts find their way to your mind a lot quicker when you’re entrapped by failure. I can feel it in the way my thoughts have transformed from ‘What I’d write tomorrow?’ to ‘What I’d do tomorrow?’. And as those sleepless nights have piled up, those thoughts have slowly started to ponder the extreme boundaries. Yes, I’ve been thinking of suicide.
People might be ashamed to say it out loud, I’m not. You see, acceptance is the first step of solving any problem. And today, I’m proud I’ve taken the first step. I don’t understand the reasons to be ashamed of it anyways. It’s not as if I can control my thoughts. No one can. All I’ve to make sure is I don’t act on those thoughts. Not again.
Yes, you read it right, I did try to act on my thoughts.
Yesterday, I mustered up enough courage to climb the small railing over the city bridge. River was going about its job silently below me. I’ve always found it hard to decline an invitation to be in silence. It was attractive. So I just stood there, my arms outstretched, watching the silence lure me into it. I’d finally be rid of all the worries about future. The thought felt so nice at that moment. I picked up my leg, ready to embrace the world devoid of worries, when the phone buzzed in my pocket. The vibrations shook me in and out. I lost my balance and before I could comprehend what was happening, I fell.
That was a priceless moment. Life and death staked equal claim on my existence, and fortunately, I fell on the side of life. Once I was down, I couldn’t get up once again. That moment, sitting with my back against the same railing I had climbed minutes ago, I realized that life was just too addicting to give away.
The past may haunt us, the future may worry us, but life never fails to addict us to itself. And it’s this addiction that keeps us going.
The addiction called LIFE!